Where to begin?

I have a family blog where I share what is up day to day with my family and friends.  I enjoy blogging.  It is a great way to keep in touch with loved ones and let them know what is happening in my life, but I have a bit of a problem.  There are many times when I want to scream and cry and rip my hair out.  I want to shake my fist at the heavens, and ask God what he was thinking when he gave me the trials that I have.  I firmly believe in God.  I believe that he loves me, and that he is aware of me and my needs, my trials, and that in many cases, he plays a big role in putting obstacles in my way (or at the very least, he doesn't move them out of my way easily) so I can learn to grow and become the person I need to be.  I do believe that he has a plan for each of us, and he often puts us in positions where we can make a difference.  Sometimes this view of things gives me strength, and sometimes, it just makes me confused and overwhelmed and even downright mad!  Let me explain.

I have 5 children.  4 of my children have been diagnosed with ASD, otherwise known as Autism Spectrum Disorder.  3 of the 4 have Aspergers Syndrome, and one has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS.  Most of the time when I tell people that my kids are on the spectrum, they roll their eyes, and act like I am looking for attention.  I really feel that the only people who really understand are either parents or close relatives of children who have a similar diagnosis, or teachers or healthcare professionals who have been educated about Spectrum Disorders.  My children are very bright, and so close to "normal" that it is often hard to tell there is a problem. 

When my oldest son was diagnosed, my first thought was, "If I had been a better parent, he wouldn't have this diagnosis.  He doesn't really have Autism.  I've seen Rain Man.  I know what Autism is!"  I guess I often feel like that is the reaction of others now.  My husband had a similar reaction.  We both blamed ourselves.  If we were more dedicated, outgoing, athletic, etc. our boy would not have this diagnosis.  I have learned through the years that that is completely not true.  First of all, Rain Man is NOT Autism.  I have met some autistic individuals in my Education (my degree is in Elementary Education) that are very similar to Rain Man, but one of the reasons it is called Autism SPECTRUM disorder is that there is a very wide range of symptoms.  When my 4th child received his diagnosis, I thought, "I know what I am in store for.  We have done this before."  Wrong!  Although 3 of my kids have the same diagnosis, they are very different.  They have different things they struggle with, they have different strengths and weaknesses.  Second, although you can develop parenting strategies, and educate yourself about the best methods to help your child, bad parenting does NOT create a child with ASD.  I have met many parents of autistic children, and in almost every case, the parent felt guilty, either because they had feelings similar to mine, they thought that a different style of parenting could have prevented their kids from being autistic, or because other judgemental adults made them feel that their child's struggles were somehow their fault.  "If only you would spank Johnny, he would not have these tantrums."  Not only do you have the pain of watching your child struggle with things that come naturally to most kids, but you have the added pain of feeling like you are being judged at every turn.

I just realized as I try to give a bit of background on our stories and our family, I could go on and on for days talking about our history and the way I feel about it.  I guess the reason I started this blog is so I would have a place to come and talk about the difficulties and the happiness that I have in dealing with this particular challenge.  It is not something that I want to discuss on my family blog, because I want Allen to be "Allen", and not "That kid with Asperger's."  Although that is a big part of who he is, I don't want that to be his entire identity.  I also don't want to embarrass any of my kids.  I have had many friends who have found out that their kids have Asperger's syndrome, and they will come to me with many questions, and looking for someone who will understand their situation.  In those situations, I am very happy to discuss the things that I have learned, and anything that could possibly help, but I have found that most people have little to no interest in it.  Maybe it is because I bore them with my "obsession."  ASD is our normal.  It affects every aspect of my life.

I would love to think that this blog could help someone to understand a little more about ASD and specifically Asperger's, but chances are that it will most likely just be a place for me to come and vent.  I guess in that case, the person that this blog will help will be me.